US Weekly is reporting that Wilder Valderrama is a pathetic mess and wants Lindsay Lohan back. He is so desperate for her side boob that he sang her a ballad:

An eyewitness tells the New York Daily News’ Rush & Molloy that Valderrama “tried to talk to her, but she didn’t have much time for him. Then he grabbed a microphone and said, ‘Lindsay, this is for you.’”

In front of the packed house, Valderrama, 27, warbled these lyrics from Matchbox 20’s “Back 2 Good:”

Just stand there/I could say so much
But I don’t go there cuz I don’t want to I was thinking if you were lonely Maybe we could leave here and no one would know
… I’m lonely now and I don’t know how to get it back to good.

Her response? “It’s too late!” she screamed out at the end of the song.

“Wilmer tried to take it like a man,” says the clubgoer. “But he left a few minutes later.”

Sounds like someone’s got a case of “tired hands”. I guess once you’ve beaten off so many times in a row, singing a song for Lohan ass doesn’t sound too pathetic. On second thought, it does.

Seriously, why doesn’t Lindsay just do Playboy already?  Everybody’s already seen the goods.

Scarlett Johansson doing dudes on video…maybe…[Derek Hail]

It aint Friday, but it is Lisa Gleave…[Daily Buzzer]

Alexandra Ali in a blue bikini…[Popoholic]

Best ass I’ve seen in the last 10 minutes…[Horny Oyster]

Girls Gone Wild dude likes coke whores…[DListed]

J-Lo’s ass isn’t what it used to be according to these pics…[JLB]

Daniela Pestova is a great reason to visit…wherever she’s from…[Mediabom]

Jenna Jameson & other porno stars…[Hollywood Tuna]

Hopefully Gemma Atkinson’s sex tape is next…[Horny Oyster]

Petra Nemcova’s in her underwear again…[The Grumpiest]

Sunny Leone, hey lady in the red dress…alright…[Bastardly]

Lindsay Lohan’s nipples anyone?…[Yeeeah]

Elisha Cuthbert is Canadian…[Double Viking]

Michelle Monaghan’s nips are pointy…[Popoholic]

Elisha Cuthbert proves she is Canadian…[Hollywood Tuna]

Brooke Burke popes another one out…[CelebSlam]

Penelope Cruz looking great again…[ICYDK]

Sophie Anderton has an issue using stairs…[The Grumpiest]

Lindsay Lohan’s liver is like 78 years old…[Celeb|bitchy]

Since when is Hilary Swank this hot…[Daily Buzzer]

Hey! Catfight! Catfight!…[Yeeeah]

Paris Hilton’s eraser nipples make another appearance…[Egotastic]

Carolina Ardohain has a great ass…[College Down Time]

Brooke Burke still has a great body…[The Grumpiest]

Elena Santarelli has vikings on her boobs…[DoubleViking]

Nikki Osborne is from Australia, I like her already…[Popoholic]

Lindsay Lohan’s ass is very sad…[HollywoodTuna]

This douchebag just can’t go out and find a job. Instead, he’s trying to jump from a rich celebrity redneck to a rich celebrity skank:

On December 22, less than a month after ex Britney Spears partied with Lindsay Lohan, the aspiring rapper, 28, texted the actress, 20, suggesting, “We should hang out.”

But, as reported in the new issue of Us Weekly, the invite went over about as well as K-Fed’s debut album.

“She was totally grossed out,” a Lohan pal tells Us.

Says another, “She thought it was hilarious.”

However, Federline didn’t appreciate Lohan’s “Why would I hang out with you?” reply.

He fired back, calling her a “firecrotch.”

Smooth comeback. Dissing a girl who just rejected your advances is a classy move, but then again, K-Fed is all class baby. When I think of K-Fed, I imagine him chilling with the Monopoly guy cleaning their monocles and discussing their business deals. Only instead of the cleaning their monocles, it’s a half eaten burger. Oh, and instead of the Monopoly guy, it’s a homeless dude and they are discussing who gets to eat the pickle. Yea, that’s what I think about.